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Thoughts - A time for new beginnings
January 2013
 
 
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aurawhisperwind
aurawhisperwind
Aurora whisperwind
Fri, Nov. 6th, 2009 05:09 pm
Thoughts

I feel like Tatsuki right now actually. Why Tatsuki? Well let's just say that now I know how she felt when she realised that she wasn't as important as she thought she was in Orihime's or Ichigo's lives. And how far away she is from them, despite being physically present every day. As usual, not much has happened to set me off to my low mode. Oversensitive is not enough. Anyway, I feel unwanted again. Not by family, but by friends. Like there's not a single friend who I'm important to. Well, not exactly that, but not a single person who attaches as much importance to me as I do to them. I know I'm not fun enough- I know I have quiet tastes and am a damper of crazy spirits in general.

But that's the way I am. Aren't friends supposed to like you the way you are? I'm not stating they don't like me, but... this is hard to say, but I'll say it anyway. I feel that given a chance, they'd rather have somebody else's company than mine. Yes, I'm sure that I'm nice to have around- but no one would miss me so much if I wasn't around. They'll miss me, but I'm sure I'll recede to a nice memory in the past, not referred to much.

What I have a gripe about was I needed to talk about that bitch. She knew it.. she tried calling and I didn't pick.. but still. That was once and I was sleeping then. Does she think that I'm over it? That I don't need a talk and reassurance sometimes? Appu made me feel like a useless piece of trash she picked up on a sidewalk... do they think it's so easy to get over that sort of betrayal? I know why I don't need to be called... I know inside, but saying it here will make it real.

What do I do? What? Are my values and personality more important? I hate the fact that I'm not spontaneous and lively. I hate the fact that no matter how much I've hung around a person, they cannot recollect any fun they've had with me. I hate the fact that when I'm with someone, all we keep doing is wish that somebody else was there... the unspoken implication being "instead of you" And though I miss her myself, I feel angry that I can't be like her. That I'll never be as appreciated as her. If I'm resentful, I get caught immediately and laughed at or sniped at for being an annoying child. Or worse, it gets ignored. Which is probably the best way, but I feel like my feelings don't count at all.

But I can't change... It's too hard. And too late. I'm 22 effing years old for crap's sake.

BTW I got a 90% on my first exam.. it's been so long since I've had a nice result in anything.

Current Location: Infosys-Reliance web world
Current Mood: sad sad

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