My exams start tomorrow. I can confess to you that I do not have a freakin' clue about what I am going to do. Infy exams start on Friday- I'm not prepared for those as well. Project's going nowhere. I am consumed with guilt over music classes, but I can't- I just can't handle them too. Driving classes are on. In short, it's all a big huge mess and I'm in no mood to untangle it. And I'm not even stressed about it.

I should be.

Dad came back today with some interesting insights of SHGs (Self Help Groups) It made me smile, really. I... must say this- I actually want to write a book sort of thing with essays/stories about little things I think about. I have a few topics. I'll just note them down here-

1. Pigeons

2. Terrorism

3. Kites

4. Temples

5. The fear of driving

6. And now, SHGs

I wish I could make this dream come true. ^-^

Well last sem's results came out today- and I did horribly. As usual. In fact, I did worse, I got a fucking 56%. God, I'm so sick of the whole thing, I have never done well in the past 4 years!!!! Aaaarrrrrgggghhh! Anyway, it was just the last straw in a week that has been going steadily to hell. Every day has been awful lately. On Saturday, I had a huge blazing row with Poonam and Aditi. Yesterday, after some uneasy peace, we had another huge, huge fight in front of the entrance hall of all places. It ended with them walking out, me hysterical and raving (if I had a vase, I would've thrown it) and it just was terrible. If Anji wasn't there, I would have collapsed. Brrrr. It was nasty.

Anyway, Anji had to leave to take an interview, so I was sulking in the library when Poonam came. We talked a bit, then I went out to where Aditi was waiting. Luckily we had no fight- we just talked. SO anyway, after a loooooooooonng time, it sort of worked out. I guess. In the evening Appu calls and says she wants to give back the material. And she called Anji to ask her to give back the kurta she left at her place. Looks like it's really over, and she's breaking all ties. If only I fucking knew why. Two months ago, I had 4 great friends. Now I have 3 friends who will not speak to each other.

-sigh-

I'm not going to meddle. My meddling led to this.

Home is almost comforting now. I like being home. Dad's so disappointed about the results, I feel so bad. I told all of them 60%. He'll calculate on his own though, and tell mum anyway. I won't mind a lecture, but this sucks. It just sucks. It takes away all the good things that happened last semester- Great GRE, awesome TOEFL, being one of the winners in the LJ-Caferati writing contest, everything. I do wish things get better somehow.

Went to DLRL today... why is it that whenever I go there, my day is horrid? Anyway, Anji was kicked out in the morning for wearing capris. That was expected. I would've warned her in the morning, but I didn't really look at what she was wearing. Then, we had a lousy day of doing nothing. Poonam was ill, but still came valiantly, the silly girl. Anyway, when we were leaving, some mad man stops us and tells us to give up our id cards as we were wearing jeans. With a long kurta. Dear lord, do these people have nothing else to do? All they do all day is gossip and then stop any stray trainee and tell them off for breathing loudly or walking aimlessly or wearing non-formals. Blech. I swear, if they make a scene on Thursday, I'm going to just walk out and never look back. I'd rather buy a project in some god-forsaken place than this.

Well, today was the very important Security meeting at DLRL and all of us were supposed to go. I knew Ani was sulking about it, so when Poonam called in the morning I told her to make her come. She called back saying she sulked like crazy but she was coming. Then she misses the train. Okay fine. We call her desperately for a long time but her phone died and kept saying 'unavailable'. Fine. We go inside, we wait. We wait in the seminar hall. Then we go to the washroom to see if we could switch on our phones (in secret) and call her again. And suddenly there are a zillion messages saying "WHY ARE ALL YOUR PHONES SWITCHED OFF?" "I can't get a bus!" "Fine. I'm going to college"

WTF?

Anyway, I thought I'll e-mail the scenario as it is to her- she has to know what we're feeling.

"Anji,

I really didn't want to do this at all, I was too angry but I kind of have to let you know how we feel. When you missed the train,  we called- all of us did (except Poonam, whose phone was dead anyway) It kept saying 'unavailable'. We reach DLRL at 9:15 and my phone was ON at that time- I know, because Sravanti called. As you said that you hadn't your pass we tried to arrange for a visitor's pass for you (You needed it today to extend the date on it. You couldn't have entered without it) My phone got caught at the reception, and so everyone else also had to submit, as there was super security today seeing as it was the all-important Security meeting. It was after a lot of begging and pleading that we got it back at around 10:30. That was when all your messages got delivered. You can check.

I'm not sure if you're still reading, but I'll go on. Okay, you missed the train and you waited for hours, we're sorry you had to go through that. But there was a train at 9:40. You could have come to DLRL by 10:30, 15 min. before the seminar started. You knew we were going to be there. You could have come and asked someone where the seminar hall was and we would have been in it. There was nowhere else we would be. Frankly tell me, how could we have contacted you before we went? We tried and failed. And after, We're sorry but we had to get our phones back. It never entered our minds that you may not show, so we just kept waiting. You knew this was very important, that our project was at stake and our attendances would be taken.

Fine. You couldn't come. We were pissed, and send you the messages when we came out. We were angry and I agree we were rude. But we still hoped you'd say "Dude sorry I couldn't show. I tried my best to come" And you did try to come. That was all we wanted. But Anji, you never said it. You never did. Why? Is it so hard to just type something like that- something casual, even if you didn't feel it? I agree you were angry. But if we were even slightly important to you, could you not have lied and said that? And the message you sent Aditi was cruel, Anji. No going round that. We were rude and we did go over the line. I agree. But what you replied was cruel. It hurts like crazy and we were just plain shocked at how harsh you were, like we were strangers to you. It's just that if the situation had been reversed, had Poonam or Aditi or me missed the train and didn't show, you would've yelled the exact same way. Can't we speak freely to you? Can't we yell at you if we're angry? If we can't then just say so. This is not the first time, you've said horrifyingly hurtful things before. 

What hurt the most was not that you didn't come, but the way it all went afterwards. I know you're thinking- What a presemptous bitch she is to lecture like this when they've said nasty things to me as well. We have Anji and we're sorry. We have all said mean things and hopefully we've apologized for most of them.

I'm not blaming you or berating you, just telling you what had happened. Hate me all you want but I don't want a bunch of lies between us. It's because we all love you too dearly, too much and don't want this friendship to rupture like the last one. I don't want a relationship built on lies and resentment because its unfair- to you and us. You're really special to me, and all of us as a person and no one wants to let this go. Please try and understand. The last thing we want is a fight, a nasty fight because we couldn't say what was bothering us out loud. I'm not sure you read it all, but for what it's worth- atleast you know the score now. I've spoken my mind.  

Yashu"

Well I feel purged. And teary.

-runs off to cry-

Have to go to DLRL today.. have not read a damn thing. I feel physically ill. Hope the sir's not too inquisitive. Ours lives are not this project! We have a gazzillion  things else to do too! Bah.. Will tell you in the evening how it went... So darn busy, mum's leaving tomorrow, have to shop for Poonam etc etc.. wish it's next Thursday soon!

Am one of the winners of the caferati-LJ writing contest!!! woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!! Gods, I'm so damn happy!!!!!!! :D

Champion Daydreams: The life of a girl who aspired much and did nothing.

Yep, that would be me...

Hi journal-chan, I turned 21 today!!! I had a great day, went to music class and prayed for my veena.. and Anji and Poonam came over with a cake and A T-SHIRT WITH RUKIA-CHAN ON IT!!! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! IT WAS SO DAMN CUTE! I'm wearing it forever and ever!!! Ummah to you guys!!!!

Had a nice, full lunch, watched Roman Holiday! :) It's a nice day!!! Wai!

Ran into a wee bit of an awkward situation with my dear, sweet, innocent mother. You see it all started about a year ago when I decided to convert her into an anime freak and pushed her into watching a few series with me. And now, I'm in a pickle!

I tried Mushi-shi first, as she adores beautiful, surreal artwork. It went well for a couple of weeks, and at around the 15th episode or so, she suddenly refuses to watch any further as she found them too sad.

Next, we went to Bleach, I was concerned first but then she surprised me by becoming so obsessed with it that we had a few happy months bleaching about (with a bit of Mushi-shi thrown in) until we ran out of episodes. Crappity.

So then, we went to Nodame Cantabile, Kino no tabi, Rurouni Kenshin and then Detective academy Q. Then she discovered my secret stash of anime (a cardboard box beneath my bed) and got pretty excited at the thought of even more anime.

Carried away, in a moment of pure insanity, I hit upon Death Note as our next mother-daughter series as she loved Detective academy Q and wanted another 'brainy' series. All went well at first- she loved Raito and L so much, just went on and on about how smart and cool and awesome they were. I listened happily to her exuberant squeals about the plot, we feverishly discussed each and every episode to bits and all in all had a lot of fun.

Until we came to the handcuffs.

And the very, very sexy fist fight.

You see, I had forgotten that she was my mother, and as a consequence she had a full blast of "OMG SQUEEEEEE, THEY LOOK JUST SO BLOODY GOOD TOGETHER!!!!! beep beep beep" fangirl rant. My little brother who was hovering about gave me a LOOK. Surprisingly she grins and goes "Oh I know what you mean!" We smiled beatifically at each other for a moment and I open my mouth to elaborate but (luckily) she beats me to it- "They are so similar! They can be such close friends... or brothers!" I blink for a second and then close my mouth with the refrain of OMG I'M SUCH A BIG FAT IDIOT running through my head.

So I've decided- No more series where there are any traces of yaoi. That eliminates Full Metal alchemist, Peacemaker Kurogane, Tsubasa reservoir chronicles, Vampire knight, Kyou kara maou... Everything I have. Except Mushi-shi.

Uggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....